68 Thoughts You Have While Grocery Shopping on a Diet

"Maybe if I go vegan for a week, I'll lose 6 pounds."

May 7, 2014

1. Today, I will buy only healthy things.
2. Why are avocados so freakin' expensive?
3. I will not buy the guacamole seasoning packet. I will not buy the guacamole seasoning packet.
4. When did cucumbers start coming in mini versions?
5. How many calories are in cucumbers?
6. Am I supposed to peel these, too?
7. This cart is probably covered with kid snot.
8. Is it healthier to leave the skin on or off carrots?
9. Whatever's next to the carrots looks like some sort of fungus.
10. I wonder what happened to the kid they called Fungus on 'Boy Meets World'?
11. Minkus. Not Fungus.
12. Yes, I'd love to sample some of your low-salt ham.
13. I want everything in this case.
14. Roast beef tastes so much better than this crap.
15. How do vegans do it?
16. Maybe if I go vegan for a week, I'll lose 6 pounds.
17. I wish someone would push me around in this cart.
18. Quarter-pound. No, half-pound. No, third-pound.
19. Choosing American over Swiss isn't totally going to throw off my diet, is it?
20. One of those two things isn't really cheese.
21. I really shouldn't be thinking so much about cheese.
22. Wow, that potato salad looks good.
23. If I don't put my cold cuts in that special drawer in my fridge, will they last longer?
24. Buy shampoo.
25. STOP. Walk away from the potato salad. 

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26. Sweet potatoes. Those can be good!
27. How many calories are in sweet potatoes?
28. The difference between sweet potatoes and yams is … Why isn't there a sign for this stuff?
29. Are organic yams going to make me less bloated than regular yams?
30. … and I just got soaked by the vegetable sprinklers.
31. Hello, perfectly placed section of "local" and "organic" packaged foods.
32. Whoever came up with the concept of 100-calorie packs is a genius.
33. What the hell is flax milk and will it help me lose my love handles?
34. Almond milk? Non-fat milk? Coconut milk?
35. I'll just go with the cheapest one.
36. Are ancient grains more expensive because they're vintage?
37. Which one of these has more dietary fiber?
38. Why is it that every healthy-looking cereal is actually tasteless?
39. What ever happened to Rice Krispies Treats cereal?
40. Buy wine before you go home.
41. YES! Sale on thin-sliced chicken breasts!
42. OK, I need to Google that Giada chicken recipe.
43. Why doesn't my cell phone ever work in the back of this store?
44. I cannot spend all day here. I need to go to yoga.
45. I wish I had Giada's hairstylist.
46. Is shampoo cheaper here or at CVS?
47. How long can I keep this chicken in the fridge?
48. I am so tired of having chicken for dinner.
49. Am I weird for thinking the butcher is cute in a lumberjack, meat-cutting sort of way?
50. Shampoo. Don't forget the shampoo.
51. I need cuter gym clothes that I can actually wear everywhere but the gym.
52. It's probably healthier if I just buy some sort of Weight Watchers frozen meal.
53. Am I in the mood for that Santa Fe rice and beans one again?
54. They've been making that for like, 20 years now.
55. I should probably be avoiding processed foods all together. 

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56. Hello, pretty new Lean Cuisine packaging.
57. HELLO, DiGiorno pizza.
58. Don't walk by the ice cream section. Don't walk by the ice cream section.
59. I'm overwhelmed by the amount of yogurt choices in front of me.
60. Greek or regular? Or cultured soy? (What?)
61. Should I be avoiding dairy?
62. Pudding. Is pudding just as healthy as yogurt?
63. Does pudding have more calories than yogurt?
64. I want pudding. I don't want yogurt.
65. Buying these Skinny Cow mini cones isn't world-ending.
67. I need to get out of here.
68. I need to buy wine.