58 Thoughts Every Woman Has at the Gym

How is she running at 9.0 and looking like a gazelle?

June 5, 2014

Working out has a lot of components, to say the least. Sometimes you strap on that sports bra and love it. Sometimes you step through those double doors and curse the day you learned the word "exercise." Some days you feel like you could run on the treadmill for 8 miles even though you've repeatedly vocalized your absolute disdain for the hamster wheel. Other days, you celebrate your machine's built-in TV and iPhone charger just like it were your niece's birthday. (Oh, Real Housewives reruns, how I love thee.)

Yeah, you know what I'm talkin' about. Which is why I have an inkling you can probably relate to my general thought process when it comes to a date with the gym.


1. I am going to do this today, and I am going to do it well.
2. Why does it always smell like rotten feet in this locker room?
3. Tell me I didn't forget my lock. Tell me I didn't forget my lock.
4. Well hello, elderly lady who doesn't care WHO sees her lady parts. It's nice to see you again.
5. Am I weird for not being comfortable stripping in front of other women I don't know?
6. YES. My lock.
7. I should probably write down this combination because one day I will most definitely go through random memory loss and forget it.
8. Maybe if I didn't drink so much wine, I wouldn't be worried about forgetting my lock combination.
9. Do I drink too much wine?
10. Elliptical or treadmill? Treadmill.
11. Of course I'm on a machine where the TV is fuzzy.
12. Maybe if I hit it on the side it'll fix itself.
13. Jackpot.
14. Please tell me I'm not wearing the see-through leggings.
15. Why am I paying $42 for a pair of leggings I worry are see-through?
16. Bachelorette. Rerun. Hell. Yes.
17 Sorry, Christina Aguilera circa '08 wannabe, wedged sneakers are not appropriate elliptical attire.
18. Do I smell?
19. Okay, focus on the task at hand. Sprints or long run? Let's start with one mile.
20. Hello, Ryan Gosling look-alike on the row machine. You look nice today.
21. I wonder if Ryan Gosling works out in a real person gym.
22. Alright let's amp up the pace here.
23. Whoever invented the sock bun is a genius.
24. 7.0? Screw it, 7.4.
25. NO. She HAS to give him a rose!
26. Is that man behind me judging me for watching this right now?
27. Is it appropriate to get ice cream on my way home?

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28. This isn't as easy as the last time.
29. How is she running at 9.0 and looking like a gazelle?
30. Driver roll up the partition please
31. Maybe I'll just go do 20 minutes on the elliptical instead.
32. Wahooooo ride the treadmill until it comes to a complete stop.
33. Do I have back fat?
34. Is that my fifth grade gym teacher?
35. I should really try one of those yoga classes.
36. Do not make eye contact with sketchy personal trainer. Do not make eye contact with sketchy personal trainer.
37. No, I do not want to have a complimentary fitness evaluation.
38. … although I would love one if I didn't think you were hitting on me the entire time.
39. Has anyone ever actually married someone they met at the gym?
40. Could my prince charming be here somewhere?
41. I should probably try to do some free weights.
42. This woman is lying to herself if she thinks she can do bicep curls with 40-pound dumbbells.
43. Do I smell?
44. She can. And I'm weak.
45. I'm so going to get iced coffee after this.
46. Whose iced coffee has less calories -- Dunkin' or Starbucks?
47. Hello, table of bagels and conveniently arranged tubs of cream cheese.

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48. Are they just trying to keep us fat so we keep coming?
49. This tank top itches.
50. Okay, 15 reps of these bicep curls. Let's go for 3 rounds.
51. There's no way the last person who used these wiped these down.
52. I so look like Jillian Michaels right now.
53. If I do this every day for a month will I be ripped?
54. If I do extra sets tomorrow, I can drop one today.
55. Is that man waving at me?
56. I think I've done enough here.
57. Is it like an unwritten rule of the locker room that you have to get ready to go back into society while wearing only a towel?
58. I'm ordering takeout.